XO to the Cross

I once did something that a lot of people do when they are in love. I got a tattoo. She had drawn xo on my ribs, and I had it tattooed.

“Don’t worry buddy, everyone’s done it” the tattoo artist said today. “I once let my Ex GF actually tattoo me once.” For whatever reason his empathy made me feel more at ease.

Ive never regretted it. I should of known It wasn’t going to work out, because I remember the first time we decided to get tattoos. She had never had one and had decided to get Picasso’s dove done. I was to get her initials at the same time. But as I sat there it dawned on me, mine was personal, hers was not.

“Ummm, why am I getting your initials and you are getting a dove?” I asked.

“Oh don’t worry” she lied through her teeth “the dove has a fig leaf in it and it looks like a “T”.

I hesitantly glanced at the tattoo artist who was to inscribe my lying partners initials into my skin forever, he was looking at me slowly shaking his head. He was non verbally saying  what I knew, and I decided to give it a bit more thought. I told her I needed time because I wanted it perfect. This was also a lie, just to be fair.

The fig leaf looked nothing like a “T”.  Absolutely nothing.

But I did do the “XO” later, and she did a heart. It was a fun night in Forest Lawn and I don’t regret it.

But times change and a couple broken hearts later, it was something I wanted to remove from my body.  I was not her person anymore, and it just felt stupid on my ribs.

After the breakup, I felt incredibly lost. I took to jumping in my car and driving to random churches. One day after being advised by my son I went to a large Church in Calgary. I had always avoided these Churches. Too big, too commercial, always needing money. Didn’t Jesus sit on a Rock and teach? However I loved it instantly and kept going back. I no longer felt hopeless and alone. I believed what I was hearing, and I accepted it. I felt loved. Accepted.

Could Jesus be real? Did he love me? I choose to believe he did and does. For the first time in my life I took a communion. Since then I’ve failed a lot. But I never feel abandoned when I fail,  I feel like I have a purpose. My relationships are improving with those I love and while lonely at times I can say I am happy.

So today, I covered up my “XO” with the “Cross”. A love that will never end. My tattooes all are reminders for me. They are the things that matter to me. My kids names on my left arm (I’m left handed) An excerpt from the Kipling poem “IF” on my right. It’s a poem about what it means to be a man. Learning that Triumph  and Disaster are both imposters.

Perhaps today’s tattoo is the most important.  I want the Lord  to be my Shepard. I want to be a servant of the most high God. I’m his wayward son. He gave me my children and he created me,  I believe he died for me. I’m afraid to put this to print because I fail so much. I’m not scared to be mocked for my beliefs, I’m scared I’m an unworthy example.  It took me years and years to finally realize even though I fail and screw up I am still loved unconditionally. Not by a woman, but by Jesus. Rebel Jesus.

From an XO to the Cross.

Tris