Regret

I’m brutally hard on myself. I have deep and painful regrets, spanning my entire life. Some of them so painful I can’t bear to think of them.

I am constantly told, “Do not be so hard on yourself.”  This advice washes off of me without taking any real root in my psyche. If they were there for those moments, they’d say something different, if they’d speak to me at all. Some that have been hurt by me don’t.

Its hearbreaking to see how badly I’ve failed at some of the really important things. I’m often told what a great Dad I am, again, I don’t let that sink in. Some of my deepest regrets revolve around my failings as a Dad. God gave me two incredible children, I feel like a complete failure to them.  Broken home, anger, criticism and self focus over their needs. I suspect every parent might feel this way.

Vivid memories of my weakest and most selfish memories haunt me. It’s debilitating. There’s no reconciling these things for me. There was no justification or rationalizing it.  People that loved me, that looked up to and depended on me,  I let down.

It has made me wonder why we feel regret?  Where does it come from? In this world today we are so proud to say we have no regrets. How arrogant. We should all have a million. I know I do.

One expression I hate is “everything happens for a reason.” The hell it does. Unless by reason you mean it is the result of someone’s selfish and narcissistic behaviour. Everywhere I look I see self absorption, entitlement and Oselfishness. This includes what I see in the mirror. It seems we have all appointed ourselves gods, and our personal happiness is the only goal at all costs.

But it doesn’t work does it? The only times I’ve felt truly happy is when I’ve been completely broken. Only then was I able to see what’s important. Sometimes with some people the realization came too late and I lost them.

Regret is useful, feel the hell out of it, then try to be better. Never forget what you are capable of left to your own selfish nature. Beat the hell out of yourself if you want to, then rebuild. Learn from your awful behaviour and never do it again.

There are very simple and easy things I do now that lead to no regrets. They are never what you might expect. A long days work. Making a supper that isn’t inedible for my kids. Going for a walk with a sister that I have never made time for. Having breakfast with my brothers. Taking my daughter swimming, racing each other. Last time, as she swam her last 5 meters I knew she was about to beat my time. I was as happy as if I was watching Secretariat run his legendary race. This summer I was able to work beside my Son, often in extreme conditions doing filthy work and we loved it. Watching  my kids surpass me brings happiness. I’d like to get to a point where I feel this way about everyone. I’d like to be a small part of people’s path to success, not a contributing factor to their pain or demise, as I so often have been.

I never want to lose my regrets. For me they are scars, reminders if you will; Ones that came at a heavy price to myself and those that I love and loved. The purpose of pain is to send a signal from our brain to our body to stop doing something that is hurting us. In a way, this is how I see my regrets.

If you read this far thank you,

tris