Burning Bridges

“All we can do is burn that Bridge when we get there.” I said.

The voice on the other end paused, then said, “I don’t actually think that’s the expression.”

“Oh” I replied, “That’s right, it’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

We laughed, because this person knows me better than anyone and we both knew that it wasn’t really a slip for me. I’ve approached life with a “burning bridge” mentality.

I have always struggled to let people in; To allow people to be close to me. Many many times I’d make a connection with people, only to blow it up as the relationship developed. I don’t know how to deal with that “connected” feeling.

It has always been easy for me to connect with a total stranger and talk about personal things. I used to call it “Two ships in the night”

Two ships, passing each other, going in opposite directions, sending a brief but warm salutation to each other knowing full well you’ll be miles apart in a short while. This was how I did life.

Where I really struggle is building on that and truly letting someone in. The reasons are many, and I could write a book trying to explain it but the truth is I can’t. I have always been a Lone Wolf.

Probably the biggest reason is I fear we all take each other for granted with familiarity. If someone makes an effort, it’s like we think less of them somehow. Everyone wants what they can’t have not what is right in front of them. Even if what’s right in front of them is something great. What’s that expression? “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

I don’t ask my friends over because I assume they don’t want to come. They have better things to do. I never ask my friends for help. In my relationships I always try to stay independent. I don’t want to “need” my partner. I want them to need me. It’s selfish. And it’s based in fear and low self esteem.

One way I handled this was to blow things up when I become “uncomfortable” I’d burn the bridge. Push them away. Distance myself. Manipulate the situation to make it untenable. Sabotage.

In my relationships I would distance myself till I felt them pulling away, then I’d reach out to bring them back. Then the old feeling would come and I’d shut down again. It was brutal.

I’ve burned a thousand bridges. Most of them unfixable. I was a Master at it.

Lately though I’ve felt a change. For the first time in my Life I was alone and free to do whatever I wanted. I was happy. But I kept thinking it was a bit empty. I wanted to share things and there was no one to share them with. I’m learning that I can be me, and be connected. I don’t have to sacrifice who I am to be connected to a partner. I’m hopeful I can be different. I’m hopeful I can see myself as worthy of another’s attention and love. To trust it.

I will always be fiercely independent, but I want to let others be there for me. I want to be able to be part of a giving and taking relationship. I want to be connected. I want to be present.

So what I hope to one day be able to say to the voice on the other end is this, “We will build that bridge together when we get there, and cross it together.”

If you read this far, thank you.

Tris