Valentine

We have this day set aside for our Valentines. I think everyone has a Valentine. But only the lucky few get to be with theirs on this day. The rest of us are a character half way through a Nicolas Sparks movie.

I spent Valentine’s Day in solitude. Well not quite, Bauer, my canine companion, was with me, head on my chest as we watched a lousy movie together.

I had a hard time focusing on the movie. The hollowness inside me was painful. I know what physical pain feels like. I’ve broken my wrist, back, collarbone 6x, had internal bleeding, been stitched up many times, cracked ribs, cracked sternum. Been in more than a couple vehicle accidents. None of those hurt as much as that night. I wanted to cry, but what would be the point, it never helps. It just upsets Bauer. Dogs are kinda cool that way.

I don’t say this out of self pity. I’m glad I was alone. My mind wandered to all the people alone.

My son informed me that kids get time off this year because pressures from school and Valentine’s Day lead to higher rates of depression and suicide among teens. Nothing breaks my heart more than the thought of youth struggling to find their way, giving up, taking their lives. They needed the pain to stop, so they did what they felt they needed to do.

The elderly, alone. Often surviving the death of their lifelong Valentine. These beautiful people come from an era where marriage was for life. Can you imagine sitting there, reminiscing on Valentine’s Day at the end of this life, alone? Their lifelong partner was their Valentine, and now they are alone.

How about the children in abusive homes. Not properly fed, or clothed, beaten. Children desperately seeking the approval and love of parents who are focused on things like drugs, alcohol, promotions; anything but their children. Their parents are their Valentine, and their hearts are broken.

A friend of mine drove his family to the airport for what he thought was a holiday. He has never seen them since. That was decades ago. His wife had a plan. She was never coming back to him. It’s possible his behaviour led to her decision if anyone really cares about blame, but the pain I see in him when we talk about it is as deep as you could possibly imagine. He’s sober now, but up until sobriety he did his best to drink that pain away; causing more pain. Because of the drinking, arrests and records prevent him from flying. His children never come to see him. But if you could hear the love and longing in his voice when he calls them, you’d have to fight the tears back. I’ve heard these one sided conversations. This man has very little to his name, but he guards his wallet with his life. He doesn’t care about the money (if there is any) in it. It hold pictures of his children. He always has it with him.

I could go on and on. We all know these people. It’s so much to cope with, to feel. The human mind can’t process or feel all the hurtful, painful things happening in the world.

I feel like an idiot saying this, as I’m such a colossal failure in these matters, but wouldn’t it be great if we could just love the hell out of each other every day of the year? Perhaps then there would be less pain on Valentine’s Day. My commitment to myself is to allow myself to feel more, and just love people. My guess is next Valentine’s Day will be different.

If you read this far, thank you,

Tris.