Disconnect

In a world where everyone is a click away it is becoming increasingly hard to find time to be in touch with yourself.

Where did you come from? Where are you headed? Where are you going? How do you feel at this very moment about where you are in this particular place of your life?

I need to do this sometimes to be true to myself. I want the phone to stop emailing, facebooking, texting; Throwing an already tired mind curve balls and sliders. It was strike three a while ago but I’m still swinging.

Everywhere I look someone is hurting. In pain. Hating themselves, self harming in a million different ways, telling themselves they are worthless. It’s overwhelming to me. I want to tell everyone how to fix it. How to let go of themselves and truly be free. But it just sounds like judgmental nonsense and no one wants to hear it. I remember tuning out the same message. This is when I need to recognize I’m not helping anyone. I’m not needed by anyone.

I used to hate myself. I poured alcohol down my throat with the best of them. Probably the quickest. I wouldn’t take care of myself. I remember one time I thought I had cancer, was sent for tests. On the way there I just felt I was getting what I deserved. I was almost relieved I was finally getting what I deserved. I could tell you of a million times I demonstrated self loathing behaviour. I’d wake up most mornings and curse at the mirror. My friends and family were constantly worried about me. Councillors, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists diagnosed me with many things, mostly manic depression, then bipolar. I’m not sure but those things are pretty much the same. I’ll have to ask my beautiful girlfriend about that later. She’s brilliant.

I was given meds, sometimes I took them, sometimes I mixed them with booze. Cipralex with whiskey makes for an eventful night. I got used to living in a dark cloud. Told myself I was a good person because I was always good to others. I was always generous, always helping out.

But I wasn’t good to me.

I’ve learned something. The best thing we can do for others is to be our best. For them as much as for ourselves. We’ve all watched others hate themselves. It hurts.

So sometimes I need to recognize when I’m neither wanted or needed, and go hang out with a guy I’ve grown to like. Me. I’m enough for me. I know that for those that love me, that’s something that makes them happy.

So today, I’m going to disconnect, work. Go listen to my daughter, and then spend the evening with her and someone I love very much. I’m happy. Hope you all are too.

If you read this far, ty.

Tris.