Mistakes

We all make them. They can cost us everything. Especially when we refuse to own them.

I’ve made more than most and continue to do so.

In a relationship, we end up on different teams and become each other’s harshest critic. I’m really bad at this.

Nothing hurts so much as hearing criticism from the one we love, the one whose respect we want more than anyone else’s.

What I always wanted in a relationship was something that I experienced years ago on a framing crew…..

I was 21, Geoff was 25. I had more experience framing, was quicker, but Geoff was more mature, punctual. The owner/boss of the crew formed a hierarchy that consisted of a Boss, a lead hand, and 2 labourers. It seems silly now but I wanted the lead hand position badly. So did Geoff. The lead hand would make 14$ an hr instead of 13$.

One summer day the boss gave me and Geoff instructions. One of us was to cut the blocking for a gable, prepare it to be erected. The other was to take a labourer, and level and straighten the walls.

I asked Geoff to choose, he chose to cut the gable blocks. I levelled the walls. Geoff was having a bad week. Lots of mistakes. The Boss had mumbled to me he was unhappy with him. I felt like I was certain to get the lead hand position.

When the boss returned, he was in a foul mood. He came up the stairs and took one look at the gable,

“For Fucks sake, it’s all fucking wrong” he cursed. “Who fucking prepped the gable?”

He was livid.

I don’t know why, I think it’s was the look of anxiety on Geoff’s face, but I simply said.

“I did, I cut them.”

What ensued was a verbal barrage of the worst kind. I was told this was the exact reason why I wasn’t ready to be a lead hand.

I didn’t care, I felt really good about what I had done. Geoff came up to me and thanked me.

Months later, I made a far bigger mistake, and Geoff took the fall for me. I would surely have been fired if he hadn’t. After that, me and Geoff couldn’t of cared less who became lead hand. We were teammates. We disagreed, we fought, but we always had each other’s back.

Always I have wanted this in a romantic relationship. But I need to look in the mirror. Have I ever given my partner what I gave Geoff that day? Have I ever deserved what he gave me months later? I can’t speak for my partners but if I’m honest I have to say I must not have. You have to give to get, and clearly I didn’t give what I so desperately wanted.

If you read this far, thank you.

Tris