Pandemic

My entire life I have often wanted, silently hoped for, a major event. I felt like my generation had never been tested. At least the ones that lived in wealthy developed countries.

It felt wrong. No conscription, no war to fight, no opportunity to lay my life down for those I love. I loved reading accounts of boys who lied about their age to go overseas, jump in a plane they could barely fly and fight the good fight.

I think I once believed I would rise to the challenge. I could push rubbery legs forward and prove myself, to myself.

As my damn luck would have it, so far that major event came in the form of COVID-19, and boy did I fail.

The enemies first wave hit me. Fears of no toilet paper were hurled at me. I wasn’t going to panic buy. Worst case, I could hop over to the shower and resist the enemy. I could use old t-shirts? Slip em in the garbage? I buckled. Before I had even ran out of my fluffy perfectly corrugated 3ply, I had restocked with tissue paper. COVID 1 Tristram 0

Ok, I lost a battle, but this is a war. What hero doesn’t suffer a few blows?

Well the sneaky bastard COVID is a slippery adversary. One of his favourite weapons is faux statistics. I’m a contrarian, so surely I won’t buy into the numbers. I failed. It was not long before I posted a doomsday post about 2% of all Canadians dying, complete with faulty math. My colleague, Mr. Bowman, had to correct my math. In humiliation I thought to myself if I jumped off a bridge in humiliation, I surely should be considered a COVID Stat. COVID 2 Tristram 0

Bloodied, weary, but undefeated after a nights sleep, I vow to fight on. I will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix. I’ll work out, eat healthy, and watch leducational videos. I will become a better version of myself. Do your best COVID, you fooled me twice, shame on me, now I’ll shame you.

What’s that? Tiger King? Sounds weird. What’s that about? Oh… I’ll just watch one episode. Maybe two. Then, you know what goes great with a gay thruple, animal abuse and murder? Pizza, wings and Cinnamon Bun bites. COVID 3 Tristram 0

I feel like a failure. I’m face down on the mat. But I hear Mickey’s voice, “Get up you bum, FIGHT!”

I stagger to my feet, swinging wildly. I’m looking for a lucky punch. But, the virus is toying with me now. It sends in its final blow. Conspiracy theories. Im under its spell. I’m watching Anonymous videos, documentaries on Ruby Ridge, Waco, the Oregon 3%ers and somehow it all connects to the WHO, Bill Gates, and the Federal Reserve. It’s all SO simple, and it’s been there all along. I silently wonder if my former bank manager wore Illuminati ear rings or not. I’m sure she did. That’s why she left suddenly for another branch. It’s official, I’ve lost my mind. COVID 4- Tristram 0

I realize now, that I was born for this war. I can’t imagine myself fighting any other. From what I’ve learned about myself I can conclude I couldn’t storm a beach at the local lake guarded by toddlers, let alone WW2 Normandy. I think I’ll run some toilet paper up a pole and wave it. I surrender.

If you read this far,

Thank you. Tris.