I’ve lost my way. It’s hard to acknowledge. It seems most of my life I’ve been in the fog. I wake up, I go to work, I eat. Work is the only thing that makes sense to me when I lose my way. When you have kids depending on you, you at least feel like there’s a purpose to your life, and that feels good.
I miss the church I used to attend. I miss sitting alone, lost in a crowd, listening to the music. I miss watching the faces of the vocalists and musicians, seeing a light and warmth, even if I didn’t always feel the same. I’ve never been a jealous soul, seeing others happy, makes me happy. Life seems so simple for some. It’s not simple for me.
My daughter told me today how excited for Christmas she was. Instead of telling her I hated Christmas, I tried to act excited.
“Why do you not like Christmas?” she asked, seeing right through me.
I told her Christmas in my childhood home was often not a happy time. I told her my Mother had died, just before Christmas. I told her I hated the commercialization of the birth of Christ. There’s other reasons I can’t really talk about with her. I then grinned and told my daughter I was an asshole, and needed to wake up. She concurred. I told her I’m going to get excited for Christmas this year.
I have everything I could possibly want. Maybe that’s the problem? When a man has a son and a daughter, a dog, people that love him and those he loves, a faith in God, a motorcycle, airplane, and a home he built for his kids to hide from the world in, he’s has no reason to feel sorry for himself. But in my defence, I do not feel sorry for myself. I guess I’ve always had a penchant to see the injustice in the world. Like my sister who is trapped in a hospital. I have another sister fighting health issues. I have two brothers who barely get to see their very young daughters. I have another sister who works day and night to look after children. I have an employee who recently worked 60 days in a row to feed his 3 kids and spouse, I can see the stress killing him. Businesses are failing everywhere. Children are locked up in schools, getting reprimanded when a mask slips. Youth sports are cancelled, while casinos are full. I read about a man who killed someone over drugs in front of others openly, served 2 years, came out and raped and tortured a woman, only to get a couple more years. Then, I watch a cop take down and throw a man into a van for not wearing a mask at a Costco. The same Costco that made a billion or so off this pandemic. So let me get this straight, fentanyl deaths and suicides are spiking due to depression and anxiety and our finest are enforcing mask policies for Costco? Go fuck yourself, I think to myself. My anger burns. Earlier this week I get 400 dollars in tickets because I didn’t wear my seatbelt, and forgot I put my insurance card on my phone. If we care this much about safety, why again are we letting murderers and rapists walk? What the fuck kind of world is this?
I question everything. I question everyone. I come home and just want to punch the wall. My phone dings. It’s my daughter. She wants to come over, hang out and watch a show with me. I pick her up and we start watching, we laugh together. My son joins us, we always love that. My son shows me how to flip an omelette, a skill I could never achieve before. Anna texts, despite our differences, she went to the hospital and took my sister a coffee and a couple donuts. A friend texts me, she’s in her friends music video. It’s called “Penny”, and it’s the great work of another local musician. A lyric that sticks is: “Come to the river and be baptized, let go your hurt and leave your lies…”
Perfect timing.
If you read this far, Thank you, Tris.
Ps. I also have a cat.
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