Darkness

Darkness comes over us stealthily. We think we are “ok” but in truth we are walking down a path that leads to destruction. This time the darkness has been different. Im not really drinking. I’m not living a destructive life. I’m not hurting others. I am working out and eating well. I have never worked harder. But I have stopped living. I’ve become hard and cynical. When friends call I do not know what to say. The banter I used to be good at is gone. I have walked away from a few friendships lately because I was just going through the motions. I have a limited interest in anyone or what they have to say. I meet up with people but I’m not there. I’m in my head, a million miles away.

Through some pretty difficult times the one thing that really gave me hope was the belief in a Creator who loved me. But that does not always keep the wolves at bay. I have always been a sorrowful person. I remember as a young child my mother asking me about it. I would cry for no reason. She would ask why and I couldn’t explain. I did not even know. I don’t cry anymore, but I think most of us if not all are wounded deeply on the inside. There is only one other person on this planet that likes my music (Thank you Eris) because its beyond miserable. To give you an idea one of my all time favourite songs is “Rex’s Blues” by Son Volt. How about this lyric:

If I had a nickel I’d find a game, If I won a dollar I’d make it rain, and if it rained an ocean I’d drink it dry, and lay me down dissatisfied…..

Haha. I shouldn’t love that lyric, but I do. Thanks for the nickel, I’ll do something with it, because I can, but then I’ll lose it because I won’t be at peace till I am hurting.

I have all but given up cooking because I am a shit cook. Let’s be honest about that. If you are one of my friends that received a food picture from me, trust that it didn’t taste good. I’m a fraud when it comes to the culinary arts. My last flight was awful. For the first time since I bought the plane I had to execute a go around. I flew and I felt nothing. My house is beautiful but I have done nothing to it. The fireplace is unfinished. The walls are bare. The fridge is devoid of good food and the cupboards are filled with God knows what. My truck is a mess. All I have done is work. Im fed up of being alone but not willing to make the effort to meet people. I tried that and it didn’t go well. Boo hoo. At least I don’t blame others for where I am. I blame myself. The truth is you can make any relationship work if you want to bad enough, and I didn’t want to.

I think what eats at me is my dreams have changed. I crave an escape from society as we know it. I detest the rules, regulations, and all around idiocy of humankind. We are all sheep everyone. All. Of. Us. We bleat at each other as we trot around in each others dung waiting for our pail of feed from our owners. I own a beautiful property on a small river, and I hope to escape to it one day soon. I want to get away.

So what am I talking about? Darkness.

Also: negativity, cynicism, isolation, arrogance, narcissism and perhaps a dash of depression. Not clinical, just the common kind I bet half of you have. It is a product of too easy of a life, excess, and self absorption.

I am literally one of the most blessed people that has ever lived on this planet. My kids are extraordinary. I have the ability to do the things I love. All around me are people with real problems. I have amazing friends, employees, family. The way I feel is pure selfishness. I think we all need to get over ourselves. Understand we are not victims and if life sucks its because we suck. It takes more character and courage to be positive than to get mired it self loathing and cynicism. Rich coming from the man that craves an escape from society hey? Like the expression goes, if you meet multiple assholes a day, you are the asshole. Not exactly beautifully written but quite succinct.

So tomorrow I try again,

If you read this far, thank you.

Tris.