Do you ever find yourself in a world you don’t belong to? or just a place, or a moment?
I feel like I have been where I do not belong for a while now. My life is changing, I am changing. To not be alone I have found comfort in the wrong places. The wrong drinks, the wrong priorities, friends that were not mine to have. My time and attention have been on the political and religious divides we are all experiencing.
The events have been extraordinary. As I write this there is a ground war in Europe. Canada is deeply divided, and the Oilers still do not have a competent goalie. I can see why I keep getting pulled in. My nature is to stand up to what I believe is wrong and I care not what it costs. I was never good at going along to get along.
However, it does not make me happy. If you have read my shite consistently this must seem like a tired refrain. How many times have I been on this cycle? Drinking, social media, Contentiousness , finding comfort in the wrong places and seeking the wrong connections. I know my out and yet I keep falling down. Maybe reading about my colossal failures can make someone else feel better about themselves. I hope so.
I loved someone so deeply. And the truth is I still do. So while I can meet people and make new friends, I will need to wait longer before I can feel the things I miss. It hurts. It really hurts. And its no ones fault but mine. I am very lonely. The easy fix is to connect with someone, but that is not what I need. I need to heal. And there is no timeline on that.
I have told myself lies. Told myself I don’t care. Told myself things are okay that are not. Told myself I am happy but I am not. However because I have been here before I know the three things that will pull me out.
My kids. I have two of the best kids in the world. And as great as their mom is, I had a hand in it too. These two are literally my world and almost every choice I make have them in mind. I am proud of myself. They are a joy to watch grow up and I am so excited for their futures and hope I can be here to see it all.
Writing. This is my therapy. It is how I connect with who I truly am. Start writing about yourself, it is impossible to lie. I throw up defence mechanisms in person or by message. But when I choose to write it is me.
God/Jesus. A year ago I would of said Jesus. But I am muddling my way through the Old Testament and I am really enjoying the Old Man. More anger, more changing his mind, more temperamental, but a good God, with a massive heart. Albeit sometimes after a pretty epic display of wrath. He reminds me of my brother Caleb to be honest.
It is Friday night. I am drinking water, Bauer is at my feet. Of course I am alone but not really because I am with whoever reads this. My speaker is playing ‘Clay Pigeons’ by Blaze Foley. My kids are happy and out with good friends. They hugged me before they left. I will ask the temperamental Old Man to forgive me, and thank him for these few things. It is all that I need.
If you read this far, thank you.
Tris
Tristram's Blog 