Lost but Found

I am alone more than I am not. I write these goofy blogs and often open up about feeling lost or lonely. Invariably people reach out with empathy,

“Are you ok?”

That is the most common message I get. Of course I am. I am alone by choice. Too often the fear of being alone led me to make a bad decision or hang on too tightly to someone. We all know the harder you hang on to anything, the more likely you are to lose it.

I have been thinking how best to explain how I and I assume many other single people feel. I want everyone to know I am ok, I am strong, and I am choosing this. One day things could change, but for now I am where I belong. Here is my attempt at an analogy:

Imagine yourself on a body of water, in a boat that feels like it can capsize at any moment. You are scared. You feel unstable. You do not know why you are out here alone. It is pitch black. You are lost. You anxiously look to shore for any sign of others: A shoreline, lights, noise. You see those things and you start to paddle that direction. You paddle quickly, too quickly, and the boat tips plunging you into the water. With all your strength you try to pull yourself out and get back into your boat. As your strength fails, you feel an invisible presence help you as you miraculously get back in your vessel. As you sit there, you are suddenly less afraid. The worst has happened and you are ok. You smile to yourself because you realize you are not completely alone. Someone, Something, was looking out for you.

You resume paddling towards the lights on the shore, the things you think you want, the things you know. But you are calmer. Your stroke slows as you begin to enjoy the darkness, the solitude, the sound of the paddle as it dips into the water. You begin to wonder about the unknown behind you. You are getting closer to the things you know and what you think is safety. You stop paddling. You are suddenly in limbo, torn between the appeal of safety, and the call of the unknown. Without really knowing why, you turn your boat around, and start leaving behind the things you thought you wanted. As you leave these things you realize its not as dark or as scary as you thought. The moon paints a path on the water. You follow it. Your soul is at peace. Some see you as lost, but you feel found.

If you read this far, thank you.

Tris.