I Am Here With You

One of my favourite movie scenes is from Forrest Gump. Lieutenant Dan perched on the top of the vessel, angry at the world, holding God responsible. The storm was whipping him, soaking him as he screaming into it, “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?”. Are you familiar with the expression ‘suicide by cop’? It’s when someone puts a police officer in a position where he needs to shoot them, intentionally. Well I always felt Dan, a Vietnam War vet who was in so much pain that the physical discomfort and the fear of death was less than the emotional pain he was in. I have lived there.

I have vented to God in recent weeks. Where is the justice sometimes? Where is the fairness? Where are the answers to the simplest of requests. I am not proud of it but I prayed with anger, “Why does everything you do have to be so fucking profound,” Again, I am not proud.

I was angry. I had not asked for something selfish. I had not asked for something that wasn’t good. I had not asked for something that wasn’t just. It was as though God gave me the exact opposite. It was as though he heard my prayer and made the very opposite happen. It reminded me of the time I prayed hard for my Mother to live, only to watch her die replaying a memory that is already crystal clear.

I mumbled and did my best Lieutenant Dan impression all day. I kept telling God, “You have a plan, I don’t know what it is, so I will stop asking for anything and just accept whatever happens is good.” I kept mumbling, “there is no point in me participating, just do your thing, I’m good with it.” And just like that all the wonderful things God has done in my life recently had been forgotten.

A friend told me that God was trying to tell me something. I felt the same but couldn’t hear the message. When I went to my men’s group I asked what I had missed the previous week. I was told we had been taught to talk to God through the Bible. We were to follow a process. Read a passage. Underline what caught our attention. Write out why it did. Pray, and ask God what he is telling us. Write out his message, and write out a reply.

One night I was feeling pretty worn out. I didn’t want to try this new method but felt compelled to try it. I read the passage in Luke about how Jesus went out into the wilderness after healing someone.

Step 1, Underline the part that jumped out at you- What jumped out to me was he went out alone.

Step 2, Write out why- I wrote that I related to Jesus wanting to be alone.

Step 3, Pray and ask God to tell you what he is telling you- I prayed my guts out. I vented again. I finished by asking God what he wanted me to hear.

Step 4- Write out what you felt God said to you. “I AM HERE WITH YOU.” It was a crystal clear thought, it was not “He is here with me.” It was first person.

Step 5- Reply to God: After being overcome with emotion I simply wrote, “I love you.”

The next time I went to Church the message was on how the children of Israel were in the wilderness complaining and demanding water from God. He spoke about how it is in the wilderness that we learn to connect to God, and it is his Living Water that we truly crave and need. What God wanted me to learn was that the more I try to control outcomes, the less I am trusting and resting in him. That all I need is Him. Seek ye first the kingdom of God, all the other stuff can come after that.

I still swear too much and shake my fist at the sky like Lieutenant Dan but I have learned this lesson and am learning to rest in Him during the storm.

If you read this far, thank you. Tris.