Hurt

Something happened to me yesterday that hurt me deeply. I had not felt that much pain in a long time. It took a lot to finish my day. We have all had lifetimes of hurt. This one scratched an old scar, and I was taken aback by how deeply I felt it.

When I got home I was numb. I sat on the couch and Bauer came and put his head on me. Dogs know when we are hurt. It doesn’t matter if its only on the inside. Only on the inside? Only? I doubt I am alone when I say its the hurt on the inside that really hurts. Its deeper than a cut, bruise, break. Its a darkened soul. You can see it in people’s eyes. Everything is in the eyes. The same eyes that light up can also dim.

My last few posts have been heavy. I do not write for anyone but myself. I share them because it keeps me honest. I share some things because I hope someone, anyone, feels less alone. On the outside I have it all. Perfect children. A beautiful home. A business that supports us and allows me to be me. I also have a 93 Dodge 2500 with the first generation diesel. You cannot drive that truck and not smile. I have a loyal hound who rides with me. I have no right to be anything but grateful. But I am hurt. I have been hurt most of my life. So are you. So is everyone.

Most of my life I have dealt with my hurt by isolating my emotions and lashing out at those I love. This works, if you want to hurt more. I bet whoever reads this has done the same thing.

If you hurt enough you become reckless. Reckless in every way. Despite not being true you feel you have nothing to lose. You fear nothing but the hour alone before you fall asleep. Time to think, which leads to feeling things you do not want to feel.

The fuck of it all is I am the author of my own hurt. Not everyone is. Lots of hurt people hurting others that don’t deserve it. This brings me to the only path I have ever felt healing from. Forgiveness. My family is from Viking descent. Needless to say turning the other cheek and loving your enemy feel unnatural to me. It is unnatural. Its Divine. It takes more courage than is humanly possible. It is a gift from God. It is actually his promise to us. We just need to ask for the strength to forgive, and we will receive it. How perfect. How divine. The way to heal yourself is to stop hurting others.

My prayer tonight is for everyone that is hurting. Think about a designed universe, and a Creator who sent his son to tell you how to heal. A Son who was hurt more than we could ever imagine. A Son whose final words where, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

I am broken inside when I think of everyone I have hurt. The angry words, harsh comments, cutting sarcasm. Some of these people were the ones I loved the most. I will hurt some of them again. However, I am thankful that I have been given a way to ease my pain. I cannot expect forgiveness, but I can give it, with God’s help.

If you read this far, Thank you.

Tris.